Terrification: I See Light

I was driving home tonight and realized that Henry has been much quieter and I am not sure when that happened. In fact, I haven’t been shoulding myself as much either and I’m not sure when that happened! Don’t get me wrong, Henry, that little hamster on the wheel in my head, can still be annoying, even when he isn’t saying quite as much, but at least he lets up every now and then. This downward spiral into a dark depression was also much shorter than they have been in the past. What a gift that is! An even bigger gift was that I was still able to see the wins!! I am not talking about anything huge. Like I have said in previous blogs, I am talking about getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, and washing my face! Those are the wins I am talking about!! In the past, I haven’t been able to do any of that and that past is not so long ago!

So what’s different this time? I am not entirely sure to tell you the truth. What I can say is that throughout my journey of self discovery I have learned a lot. I have learned a lot about myself, about my relationships, about how I have dealt with life, why I have dealt with life the way I have, and why I still sometimes do. I did say it was a journey and what I have definitely learned throughout my journey is that there is no such thing as perfect. Let me say that again, because I need to remind myself of this every minute of every day. There is no such thing as perfect! I have to remind myself of that every minute of every day because I have tried pretty much all of my life to be perfect in everything I can think of and sometimes still do. I thought it would make me more loveable, more worthy, more liked, more accepted, pretty much more of anything you can think of. But what I have learned is that no one and nothing is perfect and I mean NO ONE and NOTHING! God didn’t intend anything or anyone to be perfect!! I mean, let’s think about this for a minute, if everyone and everything was perfect, what would be the point? What would we need to learn throughout our journey? Nothing, and how boring would that be?! Maybe, that’s what’s different? I not only know that now, I can remember it much quicker than before with each passing day. Now that is a GIFT!!!

Everyone say this with me: NO ONE AND NOTHING IS PERFECT!!! Now I want everyone to remember this, so let’s say it together again!! NO ONE AND NOTHING IS PERFECT!!!

A dear friend of mine says, “Growth and comfort cannot co-exist,” and boy is she right! Another thing I have learned along the way is that I learn my biggest lessons when I am in pain. Sometimes that pain is small and sometimes it feels like it is going to swallow me up but I have learned to look for the lesson in that pain. Sometimes the biggest lessons come out of the smallest, shortest pain and sometimes the smallest lessons come out of the biggest, longest pain, but nonetheless, there is always a lesson that I am meant to learn. I am so grateful that I can see that now. I am not sure when that happened either. You know, when I started looking for the lessons? When I started to look at life through new lenses? When I became grateful for pain? Even as I say that it seems a bit weird, and even though I don’t necessarily remember that when I am in the depths of it, you know the pain, I seem to somehow see it as I am coming out of it.

Another dear friend of mine, whom I also call my chosen family and my sponsor, teaches me to live life on life’s terms. I love that! There are always going to be ups and downs, ebbs and flows, the good and the bad and sometimes even the ugly but we need to figure out how to keep going without hurting ourselves or others. I am learning how to do that slowly. I am learning that I need to take care of me first. I can’t take care of or help anyone or anything else if I am running on empty and I did that for far too long. I did that until I couldn’t. And, yes, that is yet another gift! Without that crash, without that breakdown, without that darkness, I wouldn’t have seen that little tiny crack of light that eventually opens up to sunlight!