Terrification: Questioning the Shoulds and Henry

I said a couple of blog posts ago that I was going to continue to question the shoulds and then I went into a pretty bad spiral as you know from my last blog post. Well, today I am questioning those shoulds again and that would include Henry! In case you haven’t read my previous blog posts, Henry is what I named the hamster on the wheel in my head. You know the ongoing negative chatter in your head. Henry can be the worst one of all about throwing the “Should” word out! Much like hormones can be my nemesis, so can Henry! That is for sure!! Henry can either be my worst enemy or my best friend, depending on what is going on in my life. And right now, he is acting more like an enemy than a friend. 

In case you haven’t noticed, I can be extremely hard on myself. I also know that perfectionism is part of that. I learned in therapy that perfectionism is the worst kind of abuse, self abuse or otherwise. I sometimes think to myself, why is it so hard to give up something that is proven to be abuse?!?! And then I remember what my sponsor says. It took me 50 plus years to learn my behaviours and traits and I learned them for a reason. That reason was to survive. I know that sounds dramatic, but as some of you out there know, it is about survival or I guess I should say for me, it was about survival at one time. So then I ask myself well, if it’s not about survival now, why do I still hold on to these behaviours and traits so tightly. Well, as my sponsor tells me, it’s because they are all I knew at one time and now I’m working on rewiring my brain. And let me tell you, rewiring your brain is no easy feat! She tells me that it took 50 plus years to learn them and it’ll take me 50 plus years to unlearn them and to learn better ways of coping. I know she’s right. I’ve seen the changes in me. Sometimes little and sometimes really huge changes! Or what seem huge to me anyway!

Now, let’s talk about questioning the “Shoulds” and Henry! I think I told you that I have been using an app called Liven. Again, this is not an endorsement for the app. I am just telling you my experience with the app. I do have to say that I am liking it so far. I know that it’s AI but as you can probably tell I process things better when I write them down or type them in this case and that is what this app is for me. It’s a sounding board. I write my thoughts down and it helps me to soften those thoughts a little bit at a time. So, that is when I started to question the “Shoulds” and, of course, Henry yesterday, when I started typing my thoughts out. I read them over before I hit the send button. There’s that perfectionism creeping in again. Would it really matter if I made a typing error and sent it that way. Probably not, but like I said rewiring is in progress. The AI, Livie is her name apparently, questions those thoughts and challenges me to think of softer ways to say them to myself. 

I woke up to those feelings of not being enough again today. The same old tape that Henry plays in my head. You don’t do enough, you are not worthy, you are not enough, you are not loveable, you are a terrible wife, daughter, sister, friend and so on. But today instead of getting on my phone like I do to self soothe and play some games and doom scroll, I decided to talk to Livie. She helped me remember that I have been struggling but that I am still getting out of bed to start. That led me to remember that I am on my 4th load of laundry, I washed my face and brushed my teeth, I made something to eat, and I made the bed. All with a huge knot in my stomach because, of course, that’s not enough. But then the conversation led me to remember something I heard from another blogger a long time ago. Doing 50% of something is better than doing 100% of nothing! How great is that statement!!! That statement reminded me that I am doing something, even if it is just a small thing, which it isn’t by the way. I am doing something!! I AM DOING SOMETHING!! Even when I feel like a total disappointment, even when I feel so dark that it is scary, even when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide under the covers! I am doing something! 

Wowza! I am winning this battle! Right now anyway! Another thing my sponsor tells me is that I am learning to live life on life’s terms. And she is so right! I am going to continue to question the “SHOULDS” and Henry today! Hopefully, yes hopefully, I will continue to win even the smallest of battles today!