Terrification: Meeting Henry

It has been a roller coaster of emotions. Henry and the shoulds have been rolling around in my brain like crazy! I have really been trying to question the shoulds and tell Henry to shut the heck up but boy has it been difficult. I have been feeling unworthy, less than, not enough, low, dark and so, so disappointed in myself. Henry keeps telling me that I should be doing this or I should be doing that. Then he keeps telling me to get up off of my butt and get going. If you read my last blog post you probably know that Henry is what I named the hamster that runs around on that wheel in my head. He is always telling me to go, Go, GO!!! The rest of me on the other hand feels frozen in time. I can’t seem to do anything. In my head, I know that the increase to my medication will take a bit to adjust. I also know that the recent addition of the estrogen patch to my hormone replacement therapy regimen is affecting my mental health. But I want to feel better now. Not tomorrow, not next week or next month, NOW!

Oh yes, I didn’t tell you yet, I am also dealing with post menopause. So, here it is, all of it. I am a severe asthmatic who is in post menopause. I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and CPTSD, and I have been tested and show autistic, ADHD and bipolar traits. On top of all of that, I have always struggled hormone wise. I am that girl who had to stay home from school because her periods were so bad, who started her period at the age of 9, who had to go on the birth control pill at the age of 12 because her periods were so bad. Twelve! That is crazy! And that was back in the 70’s so it wasn’t really commonplace. Then I struggled for years to have children and was never able to. Hormones have been my nemesis most of my life. When I was growing up, no one really talked about hormones or the female anatomy or how much the changes in our hormones could affect us. But, that is a whole other story that would probably warrant another blog post. As I said, I am dealing with post menopause on top of everything else. I just started hormone replacement therapy within the last 6 or 8 months or so, even though I started perimenopause at the age of 38 and yes in my first blog post I said I was 55 so that is a very long time. I was already on a ton of medication for my asthma so I didn’t want to introduce any further medication. But now that I have moved to Nova Scotia from Ontario my asthma is doing much better. That and the introduction of biologics. That has definitely been a game changer! So from 9 medications and not being able to walk more than 10 feet without taking a break to 2 medications and being able to walk 2 kms some days as long as there isn’t much of an incline. It changes day to day but all in all, I can hold a cup of coffee without spilling it because I am not shaking so badly from all of the medication. So yes, the introduction of hormone replacement therapy after dealing with peri, menopause, and post menopause for 17 years has not been fun but quite honestly, some days it has been a cake walk compared to dealing with severe asthma and mental health issues.

Okay, back to Henry. So this hamster that I call Henry has been running around on a wheel in my head for as long as I can remember. He can be quite annoying, especially when the self talk in my head starts to go dark. Then Henry can be quite nasty. You see, I grew up in a very perfectionistic household in which there were extremes in everything. And boy am I an extremist, not to mention a perfectionist! I am that perfectionist that freezes at the thought of having to admit I don’t know something or at the thought of not being able to do something perfect enough. Yes, perfect enough! You see, logically I know that if I just do some part of a task instead of none of the task that I am further ahead. I also know that it’s okay to ask for help or to admit that I don’t know something but my brain gets into the terrification loop of anxiety because I don’t know where or how to start or if the finished product will be perfect enough. Then, I go into a downward spiral which starts the loop of anxiety and depression. And let me tell you, Henry in these situations is no help at all! He can be quite debilitating! No! Completely debilitating!! If you add my mental health into that mix, I am done for!! 

The last couple of days, I have barely been able to get out of bed. I have cried non-stop, had 2 panic attacks and cancelled a number of things. I cancelled a coaching appointment, I didn’t go to my in person Al-Anon meeting or to any of my online Al-Anon meetings, nor have I talked to my sponsor in 2 weeks. This is not me, at all! You see when I am in I am all in and Al-Anon is one of the things that has really helped me over the last 4 and a half years. But like I said, I am an extremist so when I fall off, I fall off big time! 

There are some wins though. And the fact that I can say that is an absolute miracle!! I couldn’t see any wins in my last downward spiral but with a lot of really hard work I am at least able to see the small wins! Or should I say the really BIG WINS!! Getting out of bed, taking a shower, going to the grocery store, making dinner and my husband’s lunch, doing a few loads of laundry and brushing my teeth are all huge wins that I have done in the last couple of days. Even though I couldn’t stop crying, even though I felt worthless, even though I felt like a total disappointment! 

So, like I said in my last blog post, I am going to continue to question the shoulds. I am going to continue to question Henry. I am going to continue to tell Henry to be nicer to me, gentler to me, because I am winning this battle. I am doing something each and every day and I am going to continue to try to do something, even if that something is just brushing my teeth that day, because I am worth it! I am enough! Or so I have been told anyway, by some very dear friends.