Fake It Till You Make It

Fake it till you make it was something I remember hearing for as long as I can remember. It works too. I know because I used this tool, trick, thought process, whatever you want to call it, not most of my life but all of my life. I am good at it too. I mean really good at it. I have actually come to realize that I was too good at it. So good that I didn’t even really know myself, let alone let anyone else truly know me.

There aren’t many people who truly know me when I think about it, and that includes myself. I have been faking it for so long, at pretty much everything, that I really have to think before I answer now. And that includes everyday questions like, “How are you?”

I have to think before I answer that one simple question because my automatic answer was always, and can still be, “Fine, thank you.”

That response came out of my mouth automatically for so many years, and it can still come flying out if I don’t stop and pause before answering.

I don’t think I intentionally kept anyone from getting to know me. I think it just happened while I was trying to make sure that everyone around me was happy, or had what they needed, or what they wanted. Once you start that though, you know, the people-pleasing, it’s really hard to get out of it. I know that I used it as a means of survival when I was young but once people-pleasing gets a grip on you, it is really hard to shake. The worst part is, after a while it becomes so automatic that you don’t even know you’re doing it, until you do.

One day, someone asked me what my favourite ice cream was and I couldn’t tell them. I used to always say that it was peanut butter and chocolate but that was only part of what I liked. The funny thing is, I don’t know who told me that was my favourite. I do know that I ate that flavour a lot, and I mean a lot, but I only ordered it in a sundae and that sundae had to have marshmallow topping and nuts. If there was no marshmallow topping or nuts I did not order peanut butter and chocolate ice cream.

Another question I couldn’t answer was, “What is my favourite colour?” I would say purple in the past. In fact, a lot of people called me “Jennifer Purple”. I had a lot of purple, and I mean a lot of purple. The funny thing is, I wouldn’t say that my favourite colour is purple today. I am not sure what my favourite colour is to be honest. I like a lot of colours and colour combinations, but no one colour really sticks out to me enough that I could say it’s my favourite. My Dad loved purple, and so does my Mom. Another funny thing is that I don’t know if they like purple because of me or if I said I liked purple because of them.

I can’t pinpoint any one moment when I realized that I didn’t know myself. It just happened. Slowly, in flashes, and sometimes really fast, like bolts of lightning.

Sometimes I figured it out when I was in despair. Sometimes when I was on a really good roll. And sometimes I would notice it when I was quiet. You know, just calm and content. Maybe on a walk, or meditating, or just enjoying the day.

What I can tell you is that it has not been easy.

Learning to listen to yourself—to really hear yourself—and to drown out all of that other chatter is hard work. And yes, Henry can be a pain when I am trying to figure stuff out. Anything really.

But I can also say that it is totally worth it.

I am getting to know myself though and, like I said, it is hard work. Learning to listen to myself has been, and continues to be, a gift.

I take the time to see how I feel now when a question presents itself or when I am trying something new. I can’t always tell how I feel right away. Sometimes it takes a long time.

Sometimes I have to look at something called a “Feelings Wheel” just to understand what I might be feeling. But even that is getting easier the more I practice.

And I do call it a practice because I believe that’s what life is. It’s a practice. A practice of learning things, dealing with things, living, and learning to live life on life’s terms.

Living on life’s terms is something I learned from my Sponsor, and now it is something that I always keep in the back of my mind.

It reminds me that if I continue to people-please I am not practicing life or living life on life’s terms. I am trying to control the situation by responding in a manner that I think will make others happy. That’s not something I am willing to do any longer. I don’t want to keep sacrificing myself or what I feel in an effort to make everyone else happy.

So yes, go out there and Fake It Till You Make It, when you need a little boost of, “I GOT THIS”, even when you’re not too sure you do. But don’t let it become so automatic that you forget yourself somewhere along the way, because it can happen without you even knowing it. And that can make it really difficult to see where someone else ends and you begin.

I am learning to stop, pause and give myself time to breathe before I answer now.

To ask myself, “What do I want?”, “How do I feel about this?”, “What do I need, right now in this moment?”

To tell Henry to BE QUIET!

Sometimes I know the answer right away. Sometimes I don’t.

And that's okay.

Because after spending so much of my life faking it till I made it, I think maybe part of making it now is finally getting to know me.