Terrification: Inside the Loop

Have you ever read something that made you stop for a second and say to yourself, oh my goodness, that is me, or, that explains so much!! That was me, just a couple of days ago. In fact, my mind has been reeling ever since. Reeling to the point that I have been feeling super heavy! That heavy that makes you question everything you’ve done and thought your entire life. That heavy, that brings tears to your eyes. That heavy that makes you feel a knot in your stomach and a lump in your throat. So heavy that I cannot stop thinking about it!

What started this latest spin? It was some information I read the other day in an app that I just started using called Liven, and please note, this is not an endorsement for the app. I am just stating where I read the information. What I read in the very first paragraph brought my radar into full attention. Procrastination is often caused by multiple things, like emotional state, the amount of stress we deal with, core belief based behavioural patterns, and for a lot of people it is primarily dopamine. What? I am not lazy!!! Wowza!!! That is what I have thought about myself my whole life!! I would push and push myself to the point of total panic attack and absolute terror. I would tell myself that I should have started last week. I would tell myself that it needs to be absolutely perfect and I mean perfect! If it’s not perfect it cannot be seen by anyone!!! And the spin would not only start but go at warp speed! Warp speed until my brain just shut off. It would do and still can do a deep dive into a state of absolute paralysis! A state of paralysis so deep that a darkness would come over me and then, the depression, the feeling of being so heavy that it’s hard to even think about brushing your teeth. And the loop would start over and over again.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter and is responsible for motivation, emotional regulation and reward mechanisms. Apparently, chronic stress and overwhelm can cause our dopamine base levels to drop and that is what can make us feel so unmotivated, constantly tired, and apathetic. Apathetic? I had to look it up. Indifferent, uninterested, unconcerned, detached, are just some of the synonyms. I can’t say that that is how I felt though, ever. I can’t say that that is how I feel now. What I can say is that even as I sit here I have a knot in my stomach. Like I said in my very first blog post, just last week, I am terrified of not doing things perfectly. I am terrified to ask for help because then everyone will know that I have no idea what I am doing! But I broke through that for the first time last week and again, right now. I am typing my second blog post and I am on fire! Woohoo!!!

Dopamine or lack thereof is heavily involved in procrastination because it is in charge of emotional regulation. Emotions like anxiety and sadness can affect our ability to wait for a reward. Without the ability to wait for a reward we look for quick fixes or quick dopamine hits like scrolling, binge watching, playing mobile games, anything that will give us a fast dopamine hit. I don’t know about anyone else, but I do know that I have done all of those. My head can spin about the smallest thing and I mean spin! I’ve heard that I shouldn’t pole vault over mouse turds, but let me tell you, a lifetime of stressing myself completely out because everything had and has to be perfect is a really hard habit to break. I have also learned in my journey that perfectionism is one of the worst forms of abuse, self and otherwise. I can tell you that the first time I heard that, and even now as I type this, tears are welling up in my eyes.

Another thing I learned through my research and continual self discovery that really made a lot of sense to me is that we can procrastinate because we don’t know how long a task will take to complete. That is something I learned while learning about myself and the fact that I have so many ADHD traits. ADHD traits, CPTSD traits, Bipolar traits, Autistic traits, all of that mixed up and overlapping is what I Iearned in an assessment I did through a program called Beyond ADHD.

Again, other than my own personal experience with the program I have no other affiliation. I learned that trauma can manifest in pretty much all of those ways and until I work through the trauma I can’t or shouldn’t rather look at anything individually. That is going to be a long road, but that’s okay, because I am up for it. I have been on a journey since 2018 and it has not been easy. But I honestly believe that this journey, my journey, the good, the bad, and the ugly, all of it, is totally worth it!!

I am learning that a lot of the time it is through the really tough moments that I learn the most. I wish I didn’t have to always feel hurt or pain before I can see the lesson but honestly that is usually the way it has gone for me. I used to resent that fact, but now I am grateful for it. Grateful for the pain, as much as I am grateful for the relief of pain, grateful for the hurt, as much as I am grateful for the soothing comfort that comes afterwards. That might be one of my favourite lessons I have learned so far on my journey. The fact that I can now see each and every little joy and pain in every little moment and be grateful. Grateful for the hurt and for the joy! I have learned that I can take something away from every moment and that I get to choose what that is. I choose to take the lesson, the love, the laughter, the knowledge, and leave the rest. It is so much lighter this way. I didn’t say it was easy, I just said for me, I feel lighter when I’m able to sit with every moment.

On that note, there is still so much in this article that I read that I’d really like to take a deep dive into, so this topic of terrification (yes, I made up this word - it is terrified and procrastination put together) is going to continue next week as well! Until then, I’m going to try to be better than I was yesterday and enjoy each and every little moment along the way.